15 replies to this topic

[Ruth Antares]

Why Brady? Not that there was anything wrong with him, not at all-- he was the sweetest and cutest guy on campus by Ruth's opinion, no question, and she'd defend him until her face turned blue if it came down to it. He deserved the nicest girl ever, someone who would follow him around and act like a puppy in his presence. Not Ruth. But why was Brady-- this, again, sweet and cute guy-- the one guy that had such a paralyzing effect on her? Even just thinking about him caused her to freeze up; she couldn't help but think of his dejected face at the campsite one second and his adorable grin the next. 

 

She'd always been... brave in her own way. Perhaps not in the beginning; after her mother's death it was easy to retreat into her silence and deal with her grief there. It was easy to depend on Pippa or Simon to communicate for her, it was easy to let other people take care of her. It was almost a full year later before she spoke again, and that took a great deal of courage. From there on out, though, she was painfully honest and straightforward. She had no trouble communicating if only because she's gotten past those barriers early in her life, and... well, she wasn't really intimidated by anyone.

 

Anyone but Brady, of course. His sweet demeanor and the fact that she'd disappointed him made things so much harder on her. It took a while to summon up the courage just to agree to this hangout, much less finally make herself walk out of her dorm towards his. This was just Max's silly friend, right? That was all; there was no need in getting so worked up over it. It was absolutely stupid for her to let him have that sort of effect on her. As such she'd just about psyched herself up for this whole thing when he swung open the door and for a second she just stood there, all confidence she had smashing to the ground.

 

She didn't even bother with a greeting in return at first; she just stepped past him and into his room, looking around a hell of a lot more than she intended. It was easy to tell which side of the room was Max's and which was his, and automatically her eyes were drawn to his things. Nothing terribly significant, really, but it was odd to think that this was where he lived. This was where he slept. Why she was thinking that way was absolutely stupid, though, so she returned her attention to him and mustered up a smile of her own, even if she was feeling worse and worse by the second.

 

"Hey," she said way too belatedly, taking a seat on his bed and feeling more and more awkward. Now that the door was shut behind them it was too quiet, too private; this enclosed space was almost worse than the laser tag arena in that sense. At least it was well lit, though, as she couldn't imagine having to sit on his bed with him in the dark without that taking a turn in the wrong direction. Jesus, how did this even happen?

 

"So uh-- Max is gone, hm? Video games." God, Ruth was never awkward. Where the hell was this version of herself coming from? "What do you have in mind?"

[Ruth Antares]

Ruth, too, regretted that kiss more than anything. Had she not gone into that territory this might have been a lot easier, but perhaps it was good in a way; it wasn't until then that she realized how much she wanted to be near Brady, even if just in a friendly context. Before that moment she'd thought he was cute, sure, and that she liked hanging around him, but it was something she assumed wouldn't continue past this camping bit. And yeah, she might have been aware that she was attracted to him and that there was this tiny part of her that always wanted to scoot closer, but she blamed that on the way she wanted to comfort him while he was so whiny about Max.

 

But that kissed change everything. Every single fucking thing. First of all, it gave her clarity on the fact that yes, she wanted Brady in her life in some form or another, and he'd made an impression on her past "hey, he's sort of cute." And second of all it changed their entire dynamic; it was a horrible time to realize how important he was to her. Had she realized that first, she might have known that kissing him was an absolutely terrible idea, as it risked their friendship. Unfortunately things didn't quite work out that way.

 

She also couldn't help but notice the way he positioned himself slightly away from her. At the campsite they'd sat somewhat close; not relationship-y close, but their knees touched and it'd be easy to scoot just a fraction over and initiate something like cuddling. Here, though, they were distant; it was clear that this was supposed to be as platonic as it could be. Swallowing, she realized that she'd wanted this. This was her doing, not his.

 

And then she wondered if he was even upset about it anymore. That was what she wanted, wasn't it? Him to move on and find some other girl to go on a date with, someone nice who would treat him right. Yet the thought that he might be over that kiss already threw her for a loop, and she knew it was a selfish thought. Who was she to hold him back? She was no better than that girl he'd messed around with in the past, and she knew it; hell, even thinking of that girl made her feel sort of possessive and jealous. It was stupid the claims she wanted to lay to Brady.

 

Regardless, it was hard not to wonder why he positioned himself so far away. Perhaps, yes, it had to do with the fact that he was keeping things strictly platonic for their mutual sake, but perhaps it had to do with something like... pitying her. Maybe he picked up on the fact that, months later, her feelings were still very much intact, and it made her feel sick to her stomach to even think of that possibility. Their friendship meant something to him at the very least, didn't it? This wasn't just something odd she'd initiated on her own, was it?

 

Swallowing, she nodded and took the video game controller from him, trying to press these thoughts out of her mind. It didn't make sense. Ruth had never been a self-conscious sort of person, yet here she was fawning over this guy like a high schooler. All she wanted was for him to like her and for things to go smoothly but she knew they never would. That was a distant hope, and it was naive of her to even wish for it. "Left 4 Dead, right," she answered him with a small nod, feigning a smile. "I uh-- I hope you know I'm terrible at video games. Last time I played was back in the gamecube era with Simon." Her smile went genuine for a second as she let a wave of nostalgia crash over her. "That was like... Super Mario Sunshine and Luigi's Mansion though, nothing like this. But pizza sounds great."

[Ruth Antares]

Ruth was starting to wonder if this was even worth it. She wasn't even sure if their friendship could be repaired at this point; she'd made a majorly stupid move and now the only thing she was thinking about was kissing him again. How had this even happened? One moment she thought he was cute and the next she was kissing him and memorizing the way his lips meshed with hers and-- fuck, it didn't even make sense. It was like flipping a switch and she still wasn't so sure how it happened at all.

 

Perhaps a lot of it had to do with guilt. The fact that she'd led Brady on like that after being so angry with a girl who'd done that to him in the past was ridiculously bitchy of her and she knew it. While her reasons where different, certainly, it didn't change the fact that she'd rejected him. That his broken-hearted face at the campsite had cemented itself in her mind and she couldn't get it out. A part of her was tempted to explain that if she had to choose one guy in the whole world to date at this point, he wouldn't undoubtedly be that guy. No questions asked.

 

He wasn't on her mind all the time, though. Frequently, yes; she found herself staring at his name in her phone before locking it and setting it down. She found herself thinking about him every damn time Max's name was mentioned and every time anyone recalled that time at the campsite. But it wasn't as if his face haunted her when she was trying to go to sleep every night. Still, that itch to see him was persistent, as she considered him one of her only friends. Former friends, anyway.

 

Still, it was hard to see how this would end up. Things were stilted, awkward between them; it was forced and strange and not as natural as they'd been at the campsite. Her smiles were hardly genuine and she could tell he was having to try, too. Video games, pizza-- it all seemed so simple and easy but it wasn't. It wasn't when she couldn't look him in the eye without thinking about crying or kissing him again. Ridiculous, really.

 

"Okay," she agreed, swallowing as she looked over the controller and tried to acquaint herself with it. She wasn't nervous about doing well; this was all sort of silly in her mind anyway, and she was glad for the distraction at all. Truthfully if she shot at nothing and ended up having a miserable time, it was better than having to sit here and attempt conversation. "Luigi's Mansion was cute. If you ever get a chance you should go back and play it. Especially now that it's-- y'know, getting closer to Halloween." She thought of Simon and how he'd gotten way too into the game. His frustration at not beating a boss. All three of them curled up on the couch, leaning against one another; it was the one game that came along with the gamecube and Simon had gotten it for Christmas that year. It was... a really sweet memory.

 

"Pepperoni's fine," she answered with a nod, readjusting her position on the bed so she was sitting indian style. Again she tried to acquaint herself with the controller, though she ended up pressing the wrong button and flat out starting the game. "Oh god, shit-- what do I do, what do I do? What did I press?"

[Ruth Antares]

It wasn't getting any better with time, truthfully. She'd expected it to; back at the campsite she assumed all they needed was a little time apart, and then perhaps they could get back to normal. It was an easy out, at least, as she didn't want to believe their friendship was absolutely eliminated just because she'd been so stupid. But as time progressed and she didn't stop thinking about it-- as time progressed and they were still just as awkward-- she was starting to doubt that it would go away so quickly. Maybe eventually, sure, but it would take a lot of time. A lot of time that she didn't want to wait.

 

There was something so painfully casual about this, though. Painful because, from the outside, it might have seemed like they were good, platonic friends. If Max walked in right this second it would all be very innocent, save for the fact that Ruth was here in the first place. They were just playing video games and ordering pizza and sitting a safe distance apart-- hell, even their conversation was casual. Awkward, but it was still... platonic. Now that she thought of it, she could hardly even sense any tension like there'd been that night at the fireworks.

 

It was sad, but necessary. She knew that. It was silly of her to expect otherwise, and this was what she wanted in a way-- for this all to fade away and leave her free to be friends with Brady just as she'd been before. It seemed easy; as he leaned over to demonstrate the controls, she nodded, laughing a little to herself and shaking her head. A? X? She didn't even know what buttons those were without looking down at the controller, much less what the hell a health pack meant. Ninja sword? Wasn't this supposed to be a zombie game?

 

Her amused expression was clear on her features, though at least it wasn't some half-smile that wasn't genuine in nature. As the game started she started toying with the controls, though she might have given a half squeal as she accidentally bumped the right joystick. Immediately her view went to the sky and she looked back down at the controller, eyes wide. "Shit, shit. What did I do this time?" She attempted to move the joystick around again, but for the most part she wasn't getting the hang of it. It was either the ground or the sky, nowhere in between, and at the same time her left thumb was toying with the other joystick. As such, her character was running in an aimless direction, looking from the sky to the ground repeatedly and straight into the horde.

 

"Oh my god, what's that sound--" She said, eyes wide as she heard the zombies converging on her. Rarely was she actually scared of anything-- she wasn't terribly girly, after all-- but there was something about this that set off her nerves. "Did you say trigger? Is that this thing?" She asked, pointing to the trigger but not looking up, as she was already trying to shoot the zombies though she was mostly just... shooting at their feet. Fortunately she hadn't seen their faces quite yet.

 

"Holy shit, this is going to take a lot of getting used to," she said, but for the first time in a while around Brady, she allowed herself to actually grin. There was something about this that was... kind of endearing. And easy. Maybe this wouldn't be as difficult as she'd originally imagined-- maybe she was just overthinking it.

[Ruth Antares]

It was entirely too easy to forget about everything she'd gone through with Brady when she was in the middle of this fucking game. Perhaps it was too immersive for her, as the only thing she could think about at the moment was getting out of this situation alive. There were zombies converging on her, okay, and she could hear them hitting her but she couldn't really see them. She made all kinds of weird sounds, ranging from squeals to little grunts as she tried to figure out what the fuck she was supposed to do with this controller in her hands. How in the world did Max and Brady play things like this all the time? Without getting dizzy, no less? As, yes, she was spinning in circles trying to figure out what the fuck to do and it was making her head spin, too.

 

This was easy, though. Natural. And she couldn't imagine doing something like this with anyone but Brady. With Max it'd be boring; hell, even with her older brother it wouldn't carry the same form of nostalgia as it used to. But with Brady it was fun and silly and something to do as friends, and she found herself loving this far too much. She was scared out of her mind, sure, as there was something about the music and sound and game itself that was terrifying, but that was part of why it was enjoyable. Scary movies didn't do it for her, but something about this did.

 

In any other situation she might have reacted badly to Brady's hand over hers-- and she noticed, she certainly did-- but at the moment it was too easy to worry about the game. In the back of her mind she processed how nice it was, and in efforts to see what he was doing a little better, she scooted closer until their knees were touching again. It was as if they'd gained back so much of what they'd lost in those few minutes for her, though there was still something underneath the surface that was clawing its way up. Her feelings for him weren't going to go away, even if they could move past that kiss.

 

She started shooting at his command, though she was too afraid to move the joystick for the view. But the zombies were coming straight at her and she squealed as she shot at them with her little pistol, though there might have been a strangled sound of victory as she watched a few go down. She did it! "Wait, what's a tank?" She asked all too seriously. "Like a military tank? Those would help us though, right? So like when does one appear?" But then the music was getting creepy and ominous and her eyes widened. "Why does it sound like someone's crying? What the fuck is this game, oh my god--"

 

If she was being honest, this was entirely too much fun. Again, this wasn't something she'd have done with anyone else, but suddenly she felt a laugh bubbling up in her throat and it escaped before she realized it, and upon that she couldn't really stop. Giggling like an idiot, she continued blindly ahead, unaware of the witch in the shadows. "This is kind of fun," she told him, grinning like an idiot.

[Ruth Antares]

Maybe it wasn't just the video game that was causing her to get so ridiculously giddy. Maybe it was the fact that, to some extent, she was regaining her friendship with Brady and it was surprisingly easier than she'd imagined. As yes, that was constantly on her mind when she wasn't stressing out about killing zombies, at least; it was all too easy for her to focus on the way their knees touched when she was just trying to move forward and adjust the way the camera faced. 

 

It would be so easy, wouldn't it? To just move over and let things run their course. Had it been a couple of months ago, she might have done so in a purely friendly context. Friends did that sort of thing all the time, she figured-- she'd seen Pippa half-cuddle into Raj on more than one occasion, and she knew it was really simple. But now that she'd crossed the line and kissed him, it'd be painfully easy to misread her intentions, so she kept herself strictly where she was, no matter how difficult it was. Besides, even she knew it wasn't platonic on her part. If she cuddled into him it was just to feel his warmth and breathe in his scent and just be near him.

 

But again, it was hard to feel sad about it when her blood was pumping and her heart racing. "So he? Like a tank is a he? A thing? What do you mean before he gets me?" Her eyes were wide, but she didn't dare turn to Brady for a second, as her eyes were trained far too intently on the screen in front of her. At least she was getting the hang of the camera controls-- now just to figure out how in the world to walk without going in the wrong direction. It called for way too much coordination.

 

Suddenly the crying was getting louder, though, and there was creepy ass music accompanying it, and the game didn't feel so fun anymore so much as freaky as fuck. "How do I turn off my flashlight?" She asked frantically, pressing every button she could think of, yet all she managed to do was pull out a health kit instead. But then suddenly the witch was racing toward Brady and she screeched, able to see the creepy bitch from Brady's side of the screen. "Ohmygodohmygod, I'm coming I'm coming," she tried to reassure him, turning her camera so she could see the witch at the very least. All she was successful at doing, though, was tossing a full on molotov at her and setting her on fire.

 

"Oh my god! You're on fire, I'm so sorry--" She said, somehow bringing out her gun again and firing over and over until the witch was down. With that she jumped, excited, facing Brady and giving him the biggest hug ever without thinking. "I did it, I did it!" But by the time she turned back to the tv she'd been incapacitated by yet another horde of zombies, as her health was already low anyway. And unfortunately there were no teammates to rescue them, so they were mostly shit out of luck.

 

"Oh no," she said, though she wasn't frowning at all. She was laughing, still holding onto Brady and feeling stupid as hell but enjoying every bit of it. "That was fun." It wasn't until then that she realized how close she was to him, but for some reason she was paralyzed-- and still giddy, too, so it was hard to realize how bad of an idea this was.

[Ruth Antares]

It hadn't even occurred to Ruth that she was hugging him until she settled into it, his warmth processing and the way his arms felt around her and-- fuck, she was enjoying this far too much. She, too, was reminding herself consistently that they were friends. Just friends. She could do this; they'd done just fine at the campsite, hadn't they? And for the first time she wondered if the kiss had anything to do with it. Sure, it expedited this whole thing. The kiss made her feelings more apparent and it increased that awkward tension between the two of them. But was it inevitable? Undoubtedly they would've hung out after getting back to campus, even if Ruth wasn't aware of how much he meant to her quite yet. And eventually she might've noticed. Eventually she might've leaned over and pressed a kiss to his lips just like she'd done. 

 

Or perhaps he would've done so instead. She wondered which alternative was worse; either she rejected him outright when he made a move or she made the move and changed her mind. Both sounded pretty painful, really, and it hurt her to grasp the fact that this was all her fault. But neither did she think she was capable of a real relationship, so the only thing she could do was move past it. This hangout-- despite this sweet hug that she enjoyed all too much-- was just another example of how they could make it. They could move past this and become friends in the end. 

 

Still she lingered too long in the hug. There might have been a part of her that hoped he would pull her closer, too, as despite knowing this was a horrible, horrible idea, she still wanted that. In fact, her hand was starting to make its way to the back of his head when his phone went off, and she flinched and jumped back as if she'd been caught in the middle of something. Swallowing, she nodded as he stood, and once she was by herself she just sat there for a while. Hanging her head in her hands, she thought over how stupid this was and how impossible it would be to be friends with Brady. But neither did she want to stop.

 

For a while she tried to clear her mind. If she forced herself not to think about it while he was around, perhaps she could grow accustomed to this. There was no other option anymore, after all; she would remain his friend, no matter how hard it was not to kiss him sometimes. She wondered if that urge would ever go away-- if they'd be friends a year from now and she'd still want to press her lips to his. It was hard to imagine a day when she didn't pine for him.

 

He interrupted that reverie by coming back a lot faster than she expected-- or, perhaps, she'd been so lost in her thoughts that she hadn't noticed the length of time at all-- and she whipped her head up at him and nodded. "Yeah, yeah-- that's fine," she answered him, taking the drink and cracking it open. If there was anything that was distracting, it was food, as she was a foodie through and through. Taking a long gulp of the drink, she set it aside and started to work on the pizza.

 

"That was fun," she said as she glance back at the screen. And even if she'd been lost in thought before, she couldn't help but smile a little. "I still want to see what that tank is, though. The witch was absolutely terrifying. Why didn't you warn me? I knew that crying was bad and-- god, I'm sorry I'm so bad." Where all these words were coming from, she didn't know, but she supposed it had to do with the awkward way she was starting to feel. Like she needed to fill the silence with something. Regardless, she was still smiling-- almost grinning-- as she looked back up at him.

[Ruth Antares]

Sitting here talking to him, playing video games with him, eating pizza and drinking mountain dew with him-- it was ridiculously sweet and fun, to be such a casual thing to do. It was every bit as fun as going out with someone else would be, and in that moment she realized just how compatible they were. How easy this was. How easy it would be to scoot a little closer and cuddle with him and kiss him after they were done eating and settle into this as a routine. How easy it would be to let him get close to her and let this just happen. To some extent it already was and she was aware of it; just because they weren't kissing or cuddling or talking about it openly didn't mean something wasn't happening.

 

At least for her, anyway. She was still very much aware that he could very well not feel the same way anymore. That is until he spoke up and she found herself half-smiling, half-frowning, if possible. Her brow furrowed in the center and she cocked her head, nodding a little sadly; it was clear from the look on her face that she didn't like it at all. That she wanted something more than this, too, but there was no way she could feel comfortable jumping ship and into this.

 

"I'm glad, too," she said slowly, focusing on her pizza for a moment. "I'm-- uh-- I'm sorry for--" She was just about ready to break down into another huge apology for being such a wishy-washy bitch to him at the campsite, but she shook her head, aware that that wasn't the place to go at the moment. They were starting to fall into some sort of friendly routine, as much as she hated that word. Friends. Why couldn't she just be with him? "I'm glad," she reiterated, looking up at him.

 

And then he had that stupid pizza sauce on the corner of his mouth and she smiled affectionately, finding it strangely endearing. Almost involuntarily she reached out to wipe it away with her thumb before realizing-- right, she wasn't supposed to do this sort of thing. Quickly she retracted her hand, finding a napkin instead and handing it to him. "You've got, uh--" She motioned to the corner of her mouth and looked back down at her drink, draining the last of it.

 

Suddenly she just wasn't as hungry as before; there was a part of her that was tempted to run the fuck out of here while she still had the chance, but that was no way to keep this friendship moving forward. Instead she remained right where she was, setting her plate aside, wiping her hands with another napkin, and picking the controller back up. The game had been a nice, fun distraction; hopefully they could get back into that.

 

"I'm ready when you are," she said idly, toying with the controls. "I think I can figure it out this time. I'm ready to face a tank." She attempted a small smile as she looked back up at him.