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[Ruth Antares]

The more time she spent with him, the more conflicted she felt.

 

It was hard to look into those puppydog eyes and not feel a little more than endeared. Perhaps that was the trouble to begin with; she'd never really had feelings for a guy aside from physical attraction, so it was easy to mix up those feelings for endearment. It wasn't until her lips were on his that she realized she wanted to kiss him at all. For once she wasn't acquainted with her feelings and she wasn't sure how to handle it.

 

She tried to let it fade at first. Friendship was easy with Brady in its own right; it wasn't as if they had nothing in common, anyway. The only real complication was that she wanted to kiss him half the time, and these weird feelings only got worse and worse over time. In the beginning she didn't see it as a big deal, but now she sometimes couldn't sleep because his face kept flashing in her mind. Even after all this time and only one kiss, the way his lips felt against hers was still imprinted in her mind. She'd never forget.

 

Most of her anger with herself had mostly subsided. Sure, she still felt like a complete idiot for losing her self control to begin with, but they were friends now; it wasn't as if they had to work past anything to be close again. It was already behind them. The part she was so upset about was that she'd always be hung up over Brady and she was finally embracing that. She'd never be able to get past those puppydog eyes.

 

Yet she hadn't told a soul. It'd been three months since that incident and she'd kept it to herself-- not exactly a surprise, really, considering that was how she dealt with serious situations. Her own mother's death silenced her for a solid year, and not just in the sense of denial-- she simply didn't speak. So her complete avoidance of discussing Brady with anyone was understandable, sure, and classic Ruth, but it was starting to get to her.

 

Neither was she sure how to breach the subject. In fact she was sure she wouldn't; she hadn't come to Pippa with that intent at all, but he was undoubtedly on her mind if only by default. If only because, lately, she couldn't think of much else.

 

How had this happened, anyway?

 

So with forced nonchalance she stepped into the bed and breakfast, searching for her cousin and best friend. Of course it didn't take long to locate her; as usual she was located in the kitchen. "Hey," she said with one of her typical waves, sticking her hands back in her pockets afterward. She made her way over to the bar stools and sat down, trying to think of some other subject matter besides Brady Moretti.

 

"So um," she started, eyebrows raised as she watched her. "How's it going? Long time no see."

[Ruth Antares]

Spill it.

 

The words had Ruth's heart caught in her throat, and for a moment she just sat in place, hands folded in her lap. Of course she'd have to tell Pippa about it sooner or later, but there was a part of her that wanted to hold it in and bake on it for a little while longer. To decipher how she really felt or just move past it, but neither of those things were happening, so she didn't know what else to do. Neither was she seeking advice or even comfort from Pippa, so why she was even here was beyond her.

 

But she also wasn't the sort of girl who said "nothing's wrong" or "I'm fine" when she didn't actually mean it. So she took a deep breath, eyeing her best friend nervously for a moment before letting it out. "I think I have a thing for Brady." 

 

It was the first time she'd admitted it aloud. She'd gotten close to admitting it to Brady himself back at the campsite-- she'd danced around it, implying that she thought he was sweet and cute at the very least-- but admitting it to Pippa was another thing altogether. It made it that much more real. Swallowing the everpresent knot in her throat, she continued. "I mean-- I mean I know I have a thing for Brady."

 

Perhaps it was obvious. It should've been, based on the way she interacted with him and seemed to gravitate towards him even at family events, but then again no one had really seen Ruth this way before. She couldn't recall the last time she truly liked someone, if ever. Eyes turning back to Pippa, she gave a forced smile. "We kissed at the campsite-- I mean, technically I kissed him. I don't know why. I just did and I thought, you know, that he was just some cute kid that I could flirt with but I can't get him out of my mind. I can't."

 

Part of her felt like crying now that it was all coming out. And Ruth hardly ever cried.

 

"Is it guilt? Is that why I think about him?" At this point she was just thinking aloud, running a hand through her messy blonde hair and sitting forward on the counter. "I mean it's clear that he likes me. Or did like me, anyway. I don't know if he does anymore and if it was just guilt that wouldn't bother me, right? If he thought of me as just a friend? But the thought of it does and it's extremely selfish of me. Extremely. I shouldn't want him to myself when he can't have me back."

 

Typically she was quiet. Sure, she spoke to Pippa, but neither was she the sort of person to go on such a rant like this, yet here she was. She'd done something similar when she finally spoke after her mother's death; it was odd to see that paralleled here. Months had gone by of not speaking to Pippa about this issue, yet here it was, coming out all at once.

[Ruth Antares]

Why Ruth hadn't told her earlier was a mystery; she beat herself up over it, wondering why in the world she'd waste her time pondering all of this when Pippa could see right to the heart of the matter. She watched her thoughtfully, brow furrowed and expression a bit confused, as she'd never had any experience with this sort of thing. Neither did she expect to, at least not in the near future, so it was hard to understand her own perspective.

 

But Pippa outlined it pretty well. Funny how she immediately knew what Ruth was thinking with only just then having been updated. Such was the way they worked, she supposed, and she knew that Pippa likely knew everything that was going on in the first place anyway. Just like she, too, could tell that there was something going on with her best friend and that Raj guy. Already she'd been tempted to corner him, bombard him with innocent questions. She wasn't the sort that got overprotective or defensive; she merely wanted to know what sort of person he was. Maybe she could corner him in the cafeteria.

 

But now wasn't the time for those questions. ...Shortly would be the time for those questions, as part of her came here with the intent of asking them. Regardless, for now she focused on The Brady Situation, frowning thoughtfully as she looked over at her best friend. "Yeah," she admitted, swallowing back her nerves. "I don't know why I did it. I just did."

 

She just nodded at her question; of course she felt guilty about kissing Brady. Why wouldn't she? The kid clearly liked her back (at least at the time) and she'd taken advantage of his feelings by kissing him, only to back out of her feelings later. She'd seen the way she crushed his feelings, and that alone was enough to make her want to distance herself in the first place. Things ended some way or another, no matter what, and she didn't want to hurt Brady like that.

 

She didn't want to hurt like that.

 

"I don't know-- he just looked like a hopeful little puppy after I kissed him and I couldn't just dismiss it. And you know he had a really shitty experience with a girl before. She just toyed around with him and left him like it was nothing." Thinking about Erin had her feeling angry, in which case she just stared at her hands, still frowning. Oddly enough she felt somewhat jealous at the thought of someone else touching Brady, even if she hadn't really known him back then. Nor could she lay any claims to him now.

 

"So I didn't want to be that girl. But I kissed him anyway, you know? I-- I don't know if he knows. I mean after that whole party I kinda sorta told him that I just wasn't the sort of person who needed to be in a relationship, y'know, so I think he knows. I think." She watched Pippa out of the corner of her eye, crossing her feet underneath the stool. Was she being an idiot? Probably, but she didn't know how else to act. She had some legit serious feelings for Brady and didn't know how to act on them whatsoever.

 

Pippa's next little speech had Ruth thinking, but she just didn't know what to say in response. Kissing him was simply out of the question. She couldn't be what he wanted her to be and she couldn't get over her issues, no matter how much she liked him, so she didn't need to put him through that. She shook her head, smiling sadly, as if to communicate that with Pippa silently. "Do-- do you think he'd get upset if I stopped talking to him? We're really good friends now, I mean-- what if you had to start avoiding Raj, you know?"

[Ruth Antares]

It wasn't fair. It simply wasn't fair that she had to develop feelings for Max's silly best friend. She thought him harmless at first; at the bed and breakfast she mostly just thought it funny that he was so worked up over his best friend and the girl he'd been hanging out with. She thought it was cute, in a way, because their level of friendship was something she understood, but it was still something she thought was harmless. How it ended up resulting to this-- to this whirlwind of worries and thoughts of him-- was something she'd never catch up to.

 

She listened to Pippa somewhere in the midst of that whirlwind of thoughts, idly looking up at her. It didn't occur to her until that moment that Max might be around the bed and breakfast somewhere, which normally wouldn't have bothered her. She was so honest most of the time (see: all of the time) that she didn't care if someone overheard her, but in this case it felt oddly humiliating that her cousin might know of her feelings. Not that she was ashamed of Brady in any sense of the word, but things were already complicated as it was and she didn't want it to get any worse.

 

"I know, I'm just-- I don't know," she said, pressing a hand to her temple. Never before had she recalled being this oddly stressed. It bothered her. Typically she was so laidback and lazy that it drove people nuts, yet now she had a few things in common with her more anxious cousins. She could dismiss it, right? She wasn't the sort to dwell. So she took a deep breath, shook her head, and let it out slowly. Nothing to worry about.

 

"I know I shouldn't have," she said with a nod. "It was dumb. I wasn't thinking. I don't think he was mad, but I know he... expected more afterwards. You know?" What he expected, Ruth wasn't sure; it wasn't as if people kissed and automatically went into relationships everyday. Perhaps Pippa was right on that point, but neither could she be upset with him for that; he was the one who seemed to move past it. It was her that dwelled on the way his lips felt daily.

 

She didn't have anything to say to the next bit, though. It was true that they'd both have to move on and she'd have to come to terms with the fact that Brady couldn't always be single, but the girlfriend thing wasn't going to happen in any case. It was hard for her to wrap her mind around that word. Terrifying, actually. But Pippa's question had Ruth's eyes turning quickly back to her, her eyebrows raising just a fraction as if to ask her that question in return.

 

"Well, what if Raj was jealous? Of your uh--" What was that guy's name? "Your boyfriend? Raj is always around. People would think he was your boyfriend instead." Slowly the corner of her lips upturned into a smirk despite her worries. "So what if Raj has feelings? Would you have to avoid him? What would you do?"

[Ruth Antares]

”I know, I know,” Ruth said, head in her hands, fingers clapped over her ears. She was still listening intently to everything Pippa had to say, yes, but her posture was almost one of shame as she waited for her to finish. How had she been so stupid to begin with? Typically she had a wealth of common sense; she knew exactly how to handle herself in situations like these. Which entailed, of course, keeping her nose out of them entirely.

 

So the very fact that she was sitting here listening to this-- that she needed this advice of sorts at all-- was troubling in and of itself. She’d almost taken pride in keeping her head above water in social situations, yet here she was, neck deep in a ridiculous crush on her cousin’s best friend. Was it even a crush anymore? She had the feeling it was already far past that.

 

Her shame, however, didn’t keep her from turning her eyes to Pippa for a moment, giving her a glare that told everything as she suggested yet again for her to date him. It was an odd reaction from her-- in fact she couldn’t even see herself yet knew the resemblance she undoubtedly bore to her brother in that moment. Taking a deep breath, she concluded that none of this was Pippa’s fault at all. She was just being honest, which was a value Ruth normally appreciated to the ends of the earth.

 

”I’m not dating him,” she said with a tone of finality, though it was tinged with doubt. In fact she seemed downright uncertain about that decision, but neither did she want to talk about it. Instead she gave a resolute shake of her head, as if dismissing the thought entirely, and focused instead on Pippa and her... well, she supposed they weren’t troubles, but perhaps her best friend could use a healthy dose of honesty herself.

 

”Best friend, huh? Hate to say it but someone already fills that role for you,” she said, motioning at herself though otherwise not stopping. It wasn’t as if she was jealous, she just knew better than to think Raj was just that for her. ”You sure that’s all? Just your friend? I mean you guys do seem kinda... you know. Into each other and all that.”

 

It felt odd to have this conversation with Pippa at all. First it was her and Brady and now this. Perhaps they were growing up after all, something that had her wanting to hit the brakes on their conversation altogether. In fact panic might have flashed in her eyes for a few moments; this routine was easy and comfortable. She hated the idea of getting adjusted to a new one, perhaps with others in tow.

 

”Not the relationship type, huh? Sounds to me like he just hasn’t found the right relationship,” she joked with a wink, hoping Pippa would know what she meant.